8 Phrases that should NEVER come out of your mouth

Here are eight words and phrases that should never, and I mean NEVER come out of your mouth. At least not to me. In random order:

1. When you see I’m in the midst of a book you’re already read: “Did you get to the part where…”

Don’t. Say. A. Word.

Are you serious? What if I’m not there yet, you idiot? You just ruined it for me!

2. When discussing a book or movie I haven’t read/seen, but you have “Oh the ending of that is sooo unexpected.”

“This is the part where they all die in the end…”

Come closer so I can smack you. You pretty much just ruined any surprise I wouldn’t have seen coming. Now I’m gonna be on edge the whole time thinking Is that the shocker? Or is that it? She said surprise, so it can’t end up this way. I wonder if x or y will happen… Oh, I bet he turns out to be that guy’s father… Anything creative I come up with will make the real ending suck.

One time I was on the phone with a friend and told her what movie I was headed to. (No, I am not going to tell you which movie, or which friend, because I have tact and compassion for my fellow human beings.) She said “Oh my dad saw it said it was really good but that he left the theater so bummed….” Now ladies and gentleman, the movie I was about to see was a COMEDY. As far as I was concerned it was a haha-good-times kind of flick. AND SHE JUST TOLD ME IT HAD A(N UNEXPECTED) SAD ENDING. May I ask, why in the world would she tell me that?! She wanted to look smarter than me? I don’t know. The whole movie I kept trying to predict what goes wrong. It ruined my whole night. I’ve never mentioned another movie to her again.

This is also why I hate movie trailers, and rarely read the entire book jacket summary. They always give away too much. Let me experience it on my own time, and let me enjoy the moment, okay? I like surprises. There seem to be so few these days.

3. If you are a doctor or dentist that I have come to in pain: “Does it hurt when I do this? What about this?”

OUCH

PLEASE for the love of pete (whoever he is), just trust me when I point and tell you what smarts. I cannot understand why you have to do exactly what I just told you is going to hurt. Stop it.

4. Absolutely anything that follows: “No offense, but…”

I think we all know what comes next is gonna be offensive. You’re sneaking in a personal attack under the guise it’s helpful. It’s not.

5. Absolutely anything that precedes “I’m just sayin’…”

Please see above.

(“this qualifier’ll get me off the hook”)

6. “You’re wearing THAT?”

I don’t remember asking your opinion.

7. When in line at the store or walking by one another in a parking lot and you see I’m in a sling/cast/stitches/knee brace/etc: “What did you do?” is fine but it should NEVER be immediately followed with “One time I had a sling/cast/stitches/knee brace/etc and…”

Please understand that your past injury has nothing to do with me or my situation. You may want to establish common ground so we can be companions in some secret injury club, but I’ve found the only reason people ask about, say, a broken arm, is so that they can tell you about THEIR broken arm. Inquiring is rarely a matter of altruistic “Oh, fellow man, I care about you and wish you well, here are some things to keep in mind that I had to learn the hard way….” No. It’s to open a door that allows them to talk about themselves. You see, I don’t know you. I like you, sure, because you are a human being made in the image of God and deserve to be treated with kindness. But we aren’t BFFs. I will never see you again. I don’t need to know your backstory. Sorry, but I don’t. I’m glad you survived your challenge. Save that retelling for someone who needs to hear it (i.e. not me). A kind, maybe even sympathetic “Oh, I’ve been there” smile and nod is all that’s needed. (Well, that and some chocolate…)

8. Can I use your chapstick?

This is what you may look like

This is what I see

Soooooo…no. No. Always, No.

OK, OK, yes, I can see I need to relax, ease up a little, take a deep breath or two. (I think I may have realized why I have no friends…) I admit I might be sensitive about stuff you never thought to consider as insensitive. But now you know. Please socialize accordingly.